I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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