I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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