i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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