I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
