You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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