Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
