If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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