Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize