I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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