this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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