I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
