My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well I just put wine in my tea
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize