I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
