my room smells like sperm. sweet.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
