Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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