my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
