yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
50% drunk capacity currently
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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