Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
