There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
