If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
