Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my phone needs a breathalizer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
