also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
