I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
