ya dads aren't the best wingmen
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
