drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
