my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
