He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's never too late to be topless.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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