I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
