I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
