Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
