seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
