she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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