Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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