Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
