Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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