Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
