Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
