New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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