Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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