i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
