there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I party with great urgency now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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