Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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