If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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