Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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