she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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