My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
