I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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