Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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