he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
