I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
