My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
