Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
