i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
