Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
