You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
