Are we in a gay sports bar?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
