I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
