My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize