You work out of a Hotel?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
