My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
